Here are some funny jokes that I have heard or read. If you have a good joke that you would like have posted here, please feel free to E-mail it to me (but I will only post it here if I think it's appropriate). This is just a few, more jokes coming soon.
Too Drunk To Walk
A guy is sitting at a bar and he's drinking. Finally the bartender cuts him off and says, "Get the heck out of here man, you've had enough." The guy goes "No come on, just one more." The bartender says "no way, just get the hell out of here." So the guy thinks "Alright, alright." He gets out of his chair and he just falls over. He tinks to himself "Holly shit man, I can't even walk." He gets up to try to walk again and he just falls to the ground. So he starts crawling home. Finally he gets home and his wife is sitting there waiting for him. She asks him "Have you been drinking?" and he replies "no" she says "Don't lie to me, if you're lying to me we're getting a divorce." So the guy finally tells her the truth and asks her how she knew, and she says "The bartender called and said you left your wheel chair."
cork in butt
The high school football team was hitting the showers. one guy dropped his towel. as he picked it up, he noticed the defensive lineman had a cork in his ass. "Why is there a cork up your ass?" the first guy asks. "Well, I was walking down the sidelines and I found a bottle. A genie told me since I let him out of the bottle, he'd grant me one wish." "So?" "I responded with, 'no shit!'"
A man approached the bartender with a bet. "I bet you $500 that I can piss right over your head into the empty beer mug on the counter behind you. A drop won't hit the floor." The bartender says, "There's no way! You're on." The guy whips it out, aims high, and pisses all over the bartender's face. He completely misses the mug. The bartender says happily, "I knew you couldn't do it. You owe me $500!" The guy replies, "I don't care! Because I just bet the guy at the end of the bar $1000 that I could piss in your face and you would be happy about it."
A man staggers home really drunk. As he goes through his front door, his wife is there, waiting to scald him. "Where have you been all night?" she demands. He responds "At this wonderful new bar, the Golden Saloon. It's got big golden doors, a golden floor. Heck, even the urinals are gold!" The wife doesn't believe him, so the next day she checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls the place."Hello, is this the Golden Saloon?" the wife asks when the bartender answers the phone.
"Sure is" the bartender says.
"Do you have golden doors?"
"Sure do" replies the bartender.
"Are your floors golden?"
"They most certainly are"
"How about your urinals, are they golden?"
The wife hears a long pause, then the bartender yelling "Hey Duke, I think I've got a lead on that guy who pissed in your saxophone last night!!!"
Bridge to Hawaii
A guy finds a lamp on the beach and rubs it and a genie comes out and tells him he will grant one him one wish. Well the guy is caught off guard and says "I have always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I am afraid to fly. Can you build me a bridge to Hawaii?" Well the genie thinks about it and says "Do you know how much is involved in building such a bridge? I would have to sink pilings down miles into the ocean. It would take millions of yards of concrete. The labor would be incredible. Can you think of something else?" By this time the guy has had time to think, and says "OK, I have had a question all my life, and I wonder if you could explain something to me. Would you please explain to me how the mind of a woman works? " The genie looks at him and says "Do you want that bridge two lanes or four?"
Genie of Divorce
A man is walking on the beach one day and he sees an old tarnished lamp. He picks it up and as he's rubbing it clean a Genie appears! He sees the Genie and says, "I guess you'll grant me 3 wishes?". The Genie responds, "yes, you get 3 wishes, but I must warn you, I'm an unusual Genie because whatever I grant you, I'll give your wife double!". "OK" responded the man and thought a moment. "For my first wish I want a 10 room mansion. I've always wanted to live in a mansion". POOF and they were now standing in a 10 room mansion. "I must tell you", the Genie spoke, "your ex-wife is now standing in a 20 room mansion". "OK" the man said, "for my next wish I want $20 million cash". POOF and he's now surrounded by stacks of bills. "I must tell you", the Genie spoke, "right now your ex-wife is surrounded by $40 million cash. You have one wish left". "OK", said the man, "for my last wish Genie I want you to beat me half-to-death"!
Finally Home Again
There were three women lost in a desert. A brunette, redhead and a blonde. They were there for a very long time and all they wanted to do was get home to their families. The blonde found a lamp buried in the sand. As the three gently rubbed it a genie appeared and granted them each one wish only. The brunette went first. She was so sad about being lost in the desert that she said, "Well I haven't been able to see my children in 5 years because I've been lost and I can't find my way home so I wish I were home again." The redhead wished for the same thing: to return home. The blonde thought long and hard about her wish and finally said to the genie, "Gee, it's awful lonely here without those two. I wish they were back here again.
A beautiful blonde gets on an airplane going to Los Angeles and sits in First Class. The flight attendent tells her that her ticket is for a coach seat and would she please go to her proper seat. The blonde says; "I'm blonde and beautiful and I'm going to Los Angeles first class." "I'm sorry," says the flight attendent "but your ticket is for coach and this seat was paid for by someone else." At which the blonde says; "I'm blonde and beautiful and I'm going to Los Angeles first class." The flight attendent goes to the pilot with the problem. The pilot walks up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes back to her coach seat. The flight attendent askes the pilot what she said to the blonde. "It's simple," says the female pilot "I told her that first class wasn't going to Los Angeles."
A guy got on the elevator and there was a very pretty blonde on the same elevator. The blonde thought she would be nice and speak to the gentleman, so with a smile she said T.G.I.F. The guy looked at her with a funny look and said S.H.I.T. The blonde thought he was just in a bad mood so she said it again with a smile, T.G.I.F and the guy turned around, frowned again and said S.H.I.T. The blonde thought, that's it, I'll try one more time, so she said T.G.I.F, that means Thank God It's Friday. The guy turned around and with a quick reply in a sharp voice said S.H.I.T, that means Sorry Honey It's Thursday.
Long ago there lived a brave seafarer named Captain Bravo. He was a courageous man who showed no fear in facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the seven seas, a look-out spotted a pirate ship, and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravo bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt. "The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and, after donning the shirt, the captain led his crew into battle and defeated the pirates. Later on, the look-out spotted not one, but two pirate ships. The captain again howled for his red shirt and once again vanquished the pirates. That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumphs, and one of them asked the captain: "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before each battle?" The captain replied, "If I am wounded in the attack, my crew won't notice my bleeding and will continue to fight, unafraid." All of the men sat in silence and marveled at the courage of their captain. As dawn came the next morning, the look-out spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The rank and file all stared at the captain and waited for his usual request. Captain Bravo calmly shouted: "Bring me my brown pants".